If you are the parent of an adult child who is slow to “grow up,” you may be wondering about the kinds of help available for supporting your grown child’s growth toward independence.

Therapists specializing in failure to launch therapy commonly address this issue either through traditional family therapy or though a newer model of behavioral coaching. Which approach is most effective depends on the needs of the parents and struggling young adult, as well as the specific style and expertise of the therapist.

Family Therapy Approach:

Some therapists address failure to launch syndrome in traditional family therapy, meet with the unlaunched family member along with one or both parents, and possibly siblings as well. Often this approach reveals other problems in the family as well; and the role of the “identified patient” may come to be understood as the lightning rod distracting from other problems in the family system. It may indicate a broader need for additional kinds of therapy, which may occur in various combinations — the parents as a couple, the whole family, or possibly each parent with one or more other family members, including the struggling young adult.

Behavioral Intervention Approach:

The other, less traditional approach to therapy for failure to launch has a more direct behavioral focus. Therapists trained in this modality work with the parents as a couple mobilizing them as a united front to bring effective pressure to bear on the family member who needs a boost. The coach helps the parents to get on the same page with one another in terms of the goals they have for the to-be-launched family member. Often part of what has kept things stuck in the family is that the parents have not fully agreed about what needs to change, let alone how to make the change happen.

Focus on Leverage: The behavioral coaching approach helps parents identify the leverage they have that can be used to create change. This is important because parents facing their adult child’s struggles often feel so helpless that they have lost sight of having any leverage at all.

Use of Explicit Written Expectations: With the help of the therapist, the parents write a letter to the unlaunched family member outlining the changes that they expect him or her to make — specific behaviors, with specific time frames, along with clear consequences if their struggling offspring does not comply. Expectations and consequences are applied in a stepwise fashion, starting with the things that are the most straightforward and easiest to change.

Relevant steps for addressing failure to launch will differ in each family but might include such things as the following: parents will no longer cover cell phone costs if the unlaunched offspring fails to do expected household chores; laundry will be his or her own responsibility (not done by mom), and if it piles up and creates odor, that the offending clothes will be bagged up and placed in the garage; coverage for expenses that parents are picking up will be eliminated if the child is not in in school or doing volunteer work; no money will be given by the parents unless it is matched proportionately by income from the child. And a similar stepwise process may be used when indicated to move the struggling offspring to his or her own residence (along with a plan for decreasing financial help for rent).

Parents as Team: This approach to failure to launch treatment helps the parents gain skill in working as a team as they begin with the easiest steps (expected behaviors and consequences) that both parents agree on and can consistently support. As the system starts to change, parents become more confident in their ability to exert change and the unlaunched family member understands that the world as he or she had come to understand it is now changing.

Are you curious about which approach might work best for you?

Additional Relevant Reading

Dr. Marsha Vannicelli is a nationally recognized author and lecturer who has trained and supervised scores of clinicians who work with couples that struggle with parenting issues.